Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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