Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
