1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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