I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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