he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
