She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize