I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
