remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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