pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
