I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
