The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
