everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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