Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
