I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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