Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
