I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
