OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
