i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
