Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
