And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
