I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Randomize
