Your face is a jimmy john
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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