Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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