a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
