the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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