I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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