This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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