i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so let's talk penis.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
