First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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