when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
bring money and cleavage
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
