mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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