We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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