dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
