he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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