I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
being pregnant is like rehab
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
