I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
