this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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