Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
