chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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