Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
