I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
