I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
