ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
