I CAN MOONWALK!
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
