i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
