I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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