he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
