I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
