More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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