going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
