Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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