Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I am in a vortex of obligation.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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