and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
