Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
