Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
