I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
